To shower or Not to Shower

Don’t worry, I’m not talking about my personal hygiene! I’m talking about having a baby shower.

It’s always a subject that comes with ‘waiting families’ do we have a shower? Will that jinx everything! How can we have a shower without a baby?!? Sure, I may not be a mom for another year (PLEASE BE SOONER!), but I think its time. There are only a few things us expecting adoptive parents can get excited about that doesn't include a call from the adoption agency saying, ‘we found your baby!’. Mainly that second thing is cake... and why on earth would you eat cake without a party. I mean, I would, but it just wouldn't be as much fun. So here it is, this is my self-inflicted excitement for the month of May - PARTY AND CAKE. Maybe this will make my wait easier for the next several weeks or months to come. Just knowing that we are ALL waiting for little Chester Jr. to arrive. (Any votes for the name Chester Chester? Kidding .. kidding) I think for us, we think of the “shower” not so much as preparation for a baby but realization that a baby is in our future. This is really going to happen. We really ARE going to have a baby!

Maybe instead of a shower we call it a BabyQue (BBQ)? I don’t want anyone thinking we are barbequing babys though. That one is out. Baby Party? Chester Adoption Party? Party just because? Justin says we definitely cannot call it a shower (see blog post). Either way, baby or no baby, there will be a party… and there WILL be CAKE! 

My Snow Days are Limited

If you have been following me on facebook, you might have seen an unnatural amount of snowboarding pictures this year.

As a South Dakota girl, I didn't grow up with much skiing or snowboarding. Only those experiences that included large animals or tractors greeted me on the ranch. We did have our fun with sledding down small (very steep) mostly (frozen) cow pie and rock covered hills. Needless to say, our inflatable sleds only lasted a few runs. Sledding behind a 4-wheeler on a piece of corrugated steal.. now that was way more fun... and not even remotely safe.

This is how we get down the hills in South Dakota.

This was how I got down the mountain 7 years ago.... on my ass. Yes it hurt.
It took me about 4 years to REALLY learn to snowboard and I still end up looking like this. 

This season, I've spent 17 days snowboarding in 3 states... 179,754 vertical feet, 122 lifts... a few good falls... a few 360s (thats when you go in a circle... I generally didn't do that on purpose) ... It was a good season.

Snowboarding has been a great release for me. Luckily my friend, Christie, who generally works weekends, was my ski buddy several weekdays this year. Nothing like hitting fresh powder with no lift lines and NO traffic. I've got some great memories this season. Justin (my husband) and I went to South  Lake Tahoe and boarded Heavenly (California and Nevada Side) for my birthday this last December. The snow was incredible. Knee deep - literally heavenly. Then just a few weekends ago we finished off the season in Kirkwood Ski Resort in California. We figured if all of these places are covered under our ski pass, we may as well go... and it helped that Justin was doing some work just a few hours drive from there. Christie and I got stuck in the mountains and were forced to have a sleep over in Breckenridge... just to experience 20 inches of powder at Vail the next day. It was pretty awesome.

I don't know if I'll ever have the flexibility of time as I did this year. In fact, I hope I don't. I hope we get our kiddo before the next ski season starts. I took my boarding to a new level this year, because I knew it may be my last (well at least until we can get the kiddo on skiis...).

I would like to take the opportunity to thank the snow Gods for being so kind to me!

Some memories I'll never forget from this season:
Grandma, It's a video... click the picture to make it play and turn your sound up.

The Nursery

At the beginning of this whole adoption process, I was adamant about not decorating. I wasn't going to buy anything or decorate or … well prepare.  I wouldn't want to “jinx” anything! It would be more fun to run to walmart and buy everything  I need as soon as we get matched. 

I pride myself on "flying by the seat of my pants" most of the time. Ask anyone. 

Little did I know that preparing is what would get me through a lot of the anxiety of this whole waiting game.

Last July, just before we were “approved and waiting”, my mom came to town. She LOVES to paint. So we painted the nursery.. a nice neutral color. We also stopped off and got some curtains at Ikea. I thought.. this is as far as I will go.

So then, my husband decides to sell the hot tub. It seemed to me that playing in the nursery would be way more fun than attempting to move a very heavy hot tub with our entire neighborhood. So… this is what happened. I found this adorable wall decal on Etsy… For $125!! Well, that seemed outrageous!

 But the picture looked pretty easy to replicate, so I just started drawing on the wall with a pencil and chalk. (Thanks to some much needed advice from my very talented cousin Carrie).

Then I just colored in the lines with some paint. 

Added some leaves… and a bird…

 

 Then the Elephant… 

Then the Giraffe (My brother in law had to help me with the giraffe)…

 Then TADA! I was finished!

 …. Well… not really.

  

SO… I found this “KILLER” deal on a crib online. (I would totally link it, but apparently they are sold out). Oddly enough the crib came in the mail the day before we got “THE (false alarm) CALL”. After the change of heart, we spent the weekend setting up the nursery furniture. Kind of sadistic… I know. BUT - We wanted the room to be set up for our forever baby. We wanted to be reminded that this wait was temporary.

Then I found a “KILLER” deal on a rocking chair/recliner. (You might be seeing a pattern here... )

 And maybe I purchased a rug at Ikea. IT WAS ADORABLE! 

But for real, I was done. I was ready to just wait it out.

BUUUTTT… then I just couldn’t stand the crib being empty so I had to get a mattress and a sheet (Just one sheet though – so that’s totally ok).

Then I received a quilt from my friend… another from my mom, and one from my sister in law… so I mean, I had to set those up. I mean... it would be rude not too.. 

Then for sure I was done. Well, after I had Justin set up that new dimmer light over the chair. I mean how am I supposed to read to our future genius child without a dimmer light? Impossible I tell you!

  

Except for that consignment sale my friends dragged me (kicking and screaming) too…. I might have added a few more things… Like a play mat… and some cute onsies. THEY WERE ONLY $1!! Well… then there was the stroller I REALLY wanted that was for sale on craigslist.  HELLO BOB! (that was NOT $1). Then there was all the stuff my friends with kids have given me... few bottles here... extra sleep sack there... boppy pillow... bouncer... you get the idea. As long as it was gender neutral, I will take it. 

  

OK, Look.. I’m not so good at this waiting thing. I like buying baby things, and I love that my nursery is ready to go. There are still several things that I have not gotten and have officially been put on a baby spending FREEZE. But I can still look… and I can add to my amazon wish list all day long… as long as I don’t push that buy button.. BUT IT’S JUST SO EASY! But really, I’m done. Maybe. ;-)

The Art of Waiting

How do you live normally when you are expecting a call “any day now”?  Aside from chewing my nails every available moment… I found out pretty quickly that I needed a hobby. Something other than work, something other than yoga... something where I can sit in front of the tv and just drift into nothingness.  So I have rekindled my yarn art abilities.... (Crocheting)

I fondly remember my grandmother teaching me to crochet as a child, though I never actually remember being good at it. In college I started it up again, making a few hats here and there for friends and family. I've made a few things over the years, but wasn't doing it regularly. Not until a potential anxiety driven mind explosion. So every night during our 1 hour show, I'll sit and crochet. I'll think about how excited I am to finish this project and to give it to a friend. I get excited watching other people get excited. I'll take any excuse to get excited. I feel like I'm accomplishing something! I am controlling something! 

The art of waiting is just that, an art, and for now this is one of the ways I keep my mind occupied. I always welcome new project ideas and love gifts of yarn (hint hint). 

Here are a few of the projects I've completed in the last 7 months: 

Hungry Caterpillar Sleep Sack

Matching Pigtail Monster Hats

Broncos Wave Hat

Owl Hat

Owl Blanket

Boy Monster Hat

Family of hats

Frilly Scarves

   

    

Irrational Anxiety

My yoga instructor got me to thinking the other day – here is what she said:

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!

--------------------------------------

How can I relate this to my stress of waiting for a child? The weight I am carrying – the anxiety, anticipation, depression, excitement, the panic – is holding me down – HARD.  I have a hard time sleeping at night, a hard time waking up, a hard time doing basic things around the house, I get tired easily and distracted easily.  I feel SO HEAVY.  Then I become heavier when I realize I am accomplishing nothing.  I try to work, but it exhausts me.  I try to nap, but I never am fully rested.  I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life, but nothing like this.

Let’s take a walk through Sheila’s irrational anxiety ridden mind:

It’s kind of like I’m waiting at the DMV for the rest of my life to begin.  As soon as they call my number I’m in!  Problem is, they are not calling the numbers in order and there is just a crowd of people – no line – no visual cues as to when you will be called.  When I ask the assistance desk any questions, they just say, “we don’t know, but I’m sure it will be soon.”   I may be the next person they call on or I may be the person that has to wait until tomorrow.   “Sorry ma’am, we have to go home to our families… we can’t stay here all night for JUST YOU!”  What if I keep getting pushed to tomorrow!?!   I want to stay alert, cause if you miss it when they call on you – you miss out on the next journey of your life.  If I miss the next journey of my life I’m stuck in purgatory!  BABYLESS PURGATORY!  I imagine babyless purgatory looking a lot like 1885 Deadwood, SD.  I don’t even know how to shoot a gun!  I don’t know how to mine for gold!   I am a woman stuck in 1885 deadwood… those women are all “working for the miners”..  I WOULD BE FED TO THE PIGS BEFORE WORKING FOR THE MINERS!!!  Ok Sheila… settle down… that is not a realistic outcome…

Yet all I can think about is that horrible final outcome. .. Baby less, in a filthy old west town full of criminals running from their fears… the law… or both, and I’m probably covered in pig slop. 

Now I can hear you saying, stop!  “Give it to God!”  “Just forget about it.”  “Live your life normally.”  Well, it’s just not that easy and if you think it is, then you have never truly experienced this level of anxiety. Anxiety affects 40 million adults in the United States.  Everyone has experienced situational anxiety.  I am an already a highly anxious person experiencing situational anxiety.  I am now on anxiety OVERDRIVE… which often turns into panic attacks and depression and can even cause physical ailments such as allergic reactions, physical pain, and apparently hypochondria.  I am medicating with natural calming agents (Magnesium, Valerian, Tryptophan, Multi-vitamins, Extra B, Extra D, Fish oil, Flax, crab claw extract (not really)… massage, yoga, chiropractic) and I've gotten to the point of adding low dose prescription medication – all while making sure there are no interactions with natural stuff and prescription stuff… and food stuff… and shampoo stuff.  It takes me an hour to decide if I should even take anything for a headache!

SHORT GINGER HULK IS COMING…
HIDE THE CHILDREN!!

 ‘CALM’ is just not in me right now.  I may ‘hold it together’ on the outside, but internally my body is screaming. (That is for all those, “But you are handling it soo well!”) I’m not sure what I would look like externally if you thought I was not handling it well. I picture the hulk… 

I know I cannot continue to live at this level of anxiety permanently.  Thank goodness I have a solid group of friends, family and resources to help me find new ways to manage my disorder.  I’m learning to deal with this self-induced pressure that I’m under right now.  Ultimately I know that a baby will come.  My stress and anxiety will lower eventually. This is all temporary.

Back to the original story about the water glass... My yoga instructor reminded me that I MUST continue my natural treatments (especially yoga).  It allows those worries and toxic thoughts to be eased back.   And while I may hold my glass of water all day long, for at least one hour during yoga, the instructor holds it for me.

Learn the truth about Anxiety Disorders

Slump Buster

By Justin Chester

I grew up playing quite a few sports – I played baseball, football, golf, swam, bowling and even did a season playing soccer (How that translated into being a triathlete today, I have no idea).

As I became an adult, my love for sports continued.  While I didn’t participate in as many, I certainly increased my sports watching.  I am an avid football fan (Go Broncos!!) and baseball fan, and during the few short months when neither football nor baseball are in season, I become a hockey fan.

So what does all of this have to do with adoption?  As an athlete and a sports fanatic, I am quite a superstitious individual.  For example, in golf I used to only mark my ball on the green with a quarter.  In baseball, I had to dig into the batters’ box with my right foot three times before looking at the pitcher.  In bowling, I had to hold my hand over the dryer for exactly a count of five.  To not perform this ritual task would almost guarantee failure.

Those were sports that I played.  Sports that I watched:  I was convinced that if I wore my Peyton Manning jersey without it being properly seasoned, that they would lose in the playoffs (sorry Broncos fans, it was my fault – I wore it anyway, it was a Christmas present!).  I even got Sheila into it – she had to crochet during Broncos games to assure a win.

These rituals were meant to be preemptive, to ward off the evil spirits.  But what if you were in a slump?  If you couldn’t make a three-foot putt, or you were 0 for 20 at the plate, something drastic needed to happen.  This usually involved eating something utterly disgusting, or doing something unhygienic, or both.  This was aptly named the “Slump-buster.”

So why all of this sports talk on an adoption blog… well I am trying to bust the supposed slump that we’re in trying to find our forever child (I know it’s only been 6-months but it certainly feels like a slump).   So here’s my attempt at the “Slump-Buster”:  If we get “the call” while I’m on travel, then I’ll just make my emergency plans to fly back, rather than giving the agency advance notice.  Maybe even, I’m doing a little reverse psychology on the jinx and just “sneaking” out of town.

If that doesn't work, well, next up is drinking a jar of pickle juice.  And finally, if nothing seems to be getting any results, then I’ll just not shower until we get our forever child.  That’s sure to do it!

A New Found Community

Prior to making the decision to adopt, I knew very few people even affected by adoption. Justin and I were pioneers in both of our families to even broach the subject of adoption. Though it may sometimes sound like it, our experience to adoption has not been all sadness. In the last 10 months I've made more friends than I have in the past 10 years. These are the “life shaping” kind of friends. Many of these friends have gone through every step of the adoption process right along with us.

We met the first few friends in our adoption training class. This is where we learn how to be adoptive parents, which is sort of like being regular parents except we get a parenting certificate at the end of 2 days. Luckily, we didn't even have to take a test! Well, we did have a social worker come to our house then ask us a bunch of awkward questions. Also we did have to get a FULL physical.. State and Federal Government approval.. and maybe some references from our closest friends and psychologists on whether they felt we were fit to be good parents. Either way we passed. As we were all going through the approval process we would compare notes on how each interview went with the social worker. These conversations would also lead us to make bets on who will get placed first or how long we would have to wait. Ten points to the one who got twins in January! We are learning that having each other to lean on for support is worth more than anything we could have ever asked for.

After our change of heart in November of 2012, we were introduced to several families with a similar experience. Most of these families introduced me to their newly adopted “forever” children. We cried about our loss and laughed about their experiences with their kiddos and how life really does end up working out in the long run.

In December 2012, a friend and I decided to start a support group for waiting families. We have met so many new families just starting the adoption process. After our January meeting, three of our support group families were matched or placed within a week! Clearly we bring luck to our attendees. It is so amazing seeing this process through other eyes and to be able to share the joy and anxiety with each other. It is really quite funny how we generally start our comments in the group by saying, “you probably think I’m crazy, but…”. We are all a little bit crazy and it is great to share that enduring quality with each other.

I went to a holiday party last December for the local Adoption family to family support program through Parker Adventist Hospital and met dozens of adoptive families. There were only a few of us without kiddos, but to see the end result (mostly chaotic) was so inspiring. I remember thinking to myself, “Soon one of my children will be drinking directly from the punch bowl… or crying on Santa’s lap… or touching every brownie with their germy little hands before deciding on the cheese cake…  I. Can’t. Wait.”

The more I talk about adoption, the more my inner circle of friends has opened up about their experiences with adoption or their desire to adopt in the future. The more I talk about infertility, the more friends will approach me about their silent struggles.

In a way, I wish these people could have been there for me 4 or 5 years ago, but we didn’t have that commonality then. This was the path I had to follow to find my wonderful friends, and I am so glad I made it!